Okay, sometimes it is, but too often communication in marriage is blamed for what are other, deeper lying issues that steal the joy, contentment and depth of our unions.
Without proper acknowledgement and the time needed to work through them, they carry the same weight of leading our marriages astray as poor communication.
Please don’t think I’m throwing you under the bus here, because in my own marriage, I’ve been guilty of a few… or more!
So lets explore together as friends….
6 realities that threaten our marriages and relationships
Marrying Who We Like Now
Let’s just start by nipping the “you’ve changed” statement in the butt now. That and “you aren’t the person I married anymore.”
Why? Because they’re ridiculous statements that are completely irrelevant in marriage.
Indeed we fall in love with the person of today, but the fact is people change. Life moves on, circumstances shift and we inevitably grow into the people we were meant to be.
We mature, life’s experiences shape us and we must love them unconditionally through that. The choice comes now.
Be willing to accept the person of today, while embracing the person of tomorrow.
Marry someone not for who they are now, but for who they’re determined to become!
Marriage as a built in best friend
If we’re brutally honest, we many times feel lonely and see marriage as a cure for that; a built in friend who will fill our every moment with joy. Because it’s their job to complete us, make us happy and fulfill our every need, right?! Wrong.
The reality is, we can be lonely in an entire room full of people or sitting on the couch next to someone we’re disconnect from emotionally.
If you’re feeling desperate to fill the loneliness hole, seek out new friendships, hobbies and activities. Try serving and loving on someone one; It’s instant joy!
The right person is waiting, but incorrect motives can cloud our judgement and lead us into marriage for all the wrong reasons and expectations.
Marriage and the Shame Blame Game
As much as we hate to admit it, each of us carries baggage. We’ve spent the better part of our life running from the pain and doing everything in our power to mask the guilt or shame for things of the past.
In marriage, two lives become one and inevitably our dirty laundry gets cleaned, whether we like it or not. And while it’s necessary for complete unity and trust to share our whole selves with our spouse, we many times handle ourselves in inappropriate ways.
We blame our spouse for our baggage, as if they created it. Either through words [spoken or unspoken] and actions [done or failed to do] we act as if they are the cause for our pain and our poor behaviour. We demand they fix whatever they’ve caused in us, when in reality, we’re making them pay for something that was never their fault.
Taking out our pasts on loved ones or defending ourselves by saying “this is just the way I am,” isn’t the answer, nor will it build strong and lasting marriages.
Sometimes the best remedy is a simple confession of our pasts in a safe and non-judgmental environment. For others, therapy is a wonderful option. Many times, it’s personal therapy that needs exploring over couples treatment, because once we learn to love ourselves with grace and acceptance, we can extend that to others, including our spouses.
Choose openness instead of defensiveness, forgiveness instead of spite, apology instead of blame,and grace instead of power.
Marriage and the White Picket Fence
Lets be honest, we all have expectations for our lives. If we were to grab a pen and paper we could likely write out our story book with every twist, turn and happy ending. But life and marriage are messy, not to mention hard work and ever changing.
When things stop working perfectly and life is far from easy, we can start to blame our partners for where we’re at.
“This isn’t what I wanted or how I imagined my life to be.”
Whether in a mansion or a cardboard box, driving a rolls royce or a beater, you’re in this for better or for worse.. together!
It’s time we stop pointing fingers and instead start seeing our spouses as partners in crime. If there’s anyone I rather go to hell and back with, I’m sure glad it’s you!
Marriage and Keeping Me Happy
How many times have people told you marriage is about sacrifice and putting someone before yourself. Probably none.
At it’s core, marriage is the ultimate gift of service, unconditional and many times without thanks. But instead, society tricks us into thinking it’s our spouses job to meet our every need- to keep us happy.
But it’s not about our expectations being fulfilled or marrying the right person.
It’s about being the right person, even when they don’t deserve it.
The hope and true joy in marriage, is having your love returned in the same way; but someone has to start and he with the most knowledge goes first!
Marriage in the wake of a Disposable Culture
We live in sad times, when everything and everyone is disposable!
Nothing is built to last and value is placed on all the wrong things. Everything is vying for our attention and escapism is ramped. It’s about the newest and the greatest; the most beautiful and desired.
Focus and a return to normal has become a rare art form; boredom and familiarity have become the enemy.
… and it’s leaked its way into our marriages.
We must understand that marriage is not a contract we can try out or find an expiration on. It’s a covenant, made for life.
We must work at it, day in and day out, committing to love the one we’re with rather than lusting after what “could have been.”
Truth is, there are many more and I don’t claim to be an expert or have every answers. But too often, we blame communication for the struggles in our marriages. It’s time we look a little deeper and start asking ourselves the right questions.
Is communication to blame or could it be something else?